Please don't give up...

It can be easy to believe you don't have the strength to keep on going, to feel like you don't have any energy left. But trust me you do, you wouldn't be where you are if you weren't a tough cookie.

When it feel so hard it's a sign that good things are about to happen. It can be hard to see all the things we are being brave about, but if I we were constantly aware of Everything then that would reinforce that we are scared of whatever it is.

I saw a quote last week that said that the desire to quit something is a sign that you are closer to succeeding. This quote gave me a much needed boost of belief in myself and my ability to deal with certain things.

So just when you're feeling like everything is getting a little too much... life doesn't throw things at you that you aren't strong enough to handle. You absolutely can do this!

Be yourself...

I am a strong believer in just being yourself and I have probably written something very similar before now.

I think we live in a society where there is constant pressure to be a certain way and everyday can feel like a competition with other people.

Obviously everyone has the need or want to change certain things about themselves and that's perfectly fine.

But I've discovered that specific things are specific to you as a person and are near impossible to change.

 It's absolutely draining trying to change a part of you that's just who you are.

 Surely if that's part of your personality or make up then you should embrace it and use it to the best of its ability, instead of trying to squash it down and feeling deflated and drained when no matter how much you try it just won't go away.

We wouldn't say to someone that they absolutely need to alter a physical part of themselves so why is it ok to drag someone down because they are too nice, too quiet or even too funny?

And as cheesy as this sounds, in the words of Jessie J, 'Just be true to who you are'

Understand...

It's another one of those times where thoughts are swimming around my mind and there's no better place to say them out loud than my blog.

I have recently got the Timehop app, (I know behind with the times or what?) But I noticed the other day it's 3 years since I started feeling a little iffy with what I know now to be Anxiety.

I have been thinking and wondering what was different back then and why I am where I am now. Although it has been numerous different things collectively, one thing has stood out more recently.

That thing is just 'understanding'. Understanding anxiety, knowing what it is and it in context to me and my experiences. I now know where it came from in the first place and what triggers it still.

I don't feel better because it's just disappeared and I'm completely 'cured'. It is just because I know exactly what it is and why it can make you feel like it does. Let's be honest 3 years is quite a while to feel like you finally have control of something which controlled you for all that time. I have control now because I have the knowledge.

Having anxiety alone and all its lovely feelings and symptoms it brings with it can be pretty terrifying so add a bit of poor understanding and it popping up at the most random and inconvenient moments and no wonder this thing can consume you and control you like you are a puppet.

I got to the point previously where I thought my anxiety was me and I was making decisions and doing things based on that. Now I know so much about it all, it is something which is part of me but I can manage it so much better.

Just think, how much time and energy would be saved if people just understood about mental health and why it may need some TLC from time to time.

It has also helped me that I have been able to explain what it is and why it happens to my family.  My Mum has said herself that due to her having more understanding she has been able to empathise with other people and pass on information to them too.

As humans we are often scared of the unknown so why make something which can be so disconcerting even more so just because we've made it ok not to know what it is.

Let's get talking and sharing information about mental health and hopefully one day it won't be such a taboo anymore!

Happy New Year...

To be honest, I have felt a bit weird about writing on my blog for the past couple of months. I think in some ways it's because I am in a different place in comparison to when I began writing my blog both mentally and quite literally. Before I used it as a place to vent my feelings at the time when they weren't at their best.

 Therefore once I felt a bit better and felt like I didn't need to write about those things anymore I started having a negative association with my blog and sort of pushed it to one side. 

However, recently I have realised how much I do miss writing and people have even mentioned that it has been a while since they saw a new post. It made me think that although I started this blog at a time when I was struggling the positive outcomes outway the negatives massively. 

Not only have I have used it to help myself which really has worked wonders, the response from other people has been overwhelming. My passion is to help others and thats what I have done, I really couldn't be happier. 

Writing this blog has made think, feel and see things differently, I now even see myself differently. I have started to believe in myself more and finally accept me for being just me, which I think that everyone in the world should have the opportunity to believe.

I feel even more strongly about the importance of understanding that everyone is different and accepting individuality! 

I also discovered how good things can actually develop from the bad things and it so important to keep going and never give up. Realise that things do happen for a reason and there is a reason that things might take time to work out how you were hoping or first expected. 

I am not writing this to tell you all that everything is amazing in my life and there aren't times when I do still struggle, but isn't that just part of being human?

 I will continue to do my best at helping others through my blog etc. I promise that having just a tiny bit of belief in yourself, can be the start of something better.

I went to the cinema to see the film about Stephen Hawking's life , 'The Theory of Everything ' a couple of days ago.
The film was incredible by the way and you should definitely go and see it!! 
There was a quote in it from the man himself which pretty much sums up how I feel right now. 

 'We are all different, there is no such thing as a standard or run-of-the-mill human being, but we share the same human spirit. What is important is that we have the ability to create. This creativity can take many forms, from physical achievement to theoretical physics. However difficult life may seem there is always something you can do, and succeed at' (Stephen Hawking,2012) 

For the first time in ages I feel excited about the fresh new year we have ahead of us. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to forget about the times I have struggled in the past and use them to move forward and help others!

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Tuesday Pep Talk... #2

We are always told to treat other people how we want to be treated ourselves but yet we are often our own worst enemies.

It is all well and good being kind to other people (& please don't stop doing that) but what about being kind to ourselves?

Whenever you have a tough day with whatever it may be, you should make an effort to be kind to yourself instead of punishing yourself.

At the end of the day instead of feeling angry or annoyed about something that has happened or how you have been feeling you should do something you enjoy and/or treat yourself!

Have a bath, read, watch a film, do yoga, drink a hot drink, watch crap TV, have that takeaway you can't stop thinking about! Do whatever makes you happy! :)

Tuesday Pep Talk...

I am sure many of you can agree that we are all in need of a pep talk once in a while. I know myself suffering with anxiety I feel better once I have spoken about how I am feeling or what I am worrying about with someone else, whether it's just to put my mind at rest or to give more a more rational answer to a problem.

Being in a reflective mood I have been thinking about how things have changed since starting with bad anxiety and how they are now. The answer is, that lots of things have changed massively and that is a combination of things such as, getting older, leaving Uni, moving house etc.

I still feel annoyed and sometimes disappointed  with myself when I have one of those random anxious days, which luckily I can recognise much more easily and do something about it sooner. I have to remind myself that its fine to have those kind of days and we wouldn't be human without them. Its completely normal to have some anxiety when there are big changes happening in your life.

Think about those days when you have felt completely overwhelmed with anxiety and worry but it still didn't stop you from doing what you wanted to do, they are the reason you are where you are now. Anxiety does not define you it is just a part of you, it doesn't mean that you don't have aspirations and passions. You are still you, you still have your own personality and you are just as able as everyone else to enjoy your life!

I find pushing yourself to do something which you thought you would never be able to do helps so much. Doing something (no matter how small) which you previously thought would cause you to freak out and realising that you can do it just fine can fill you with confidence and make you so happy! Even if you do have a little wobble whilst you are doing it coming out the other side and realising you can do it, and it wasn't so bad after all is so worthwhile.

Remember you are not the only person feeling like this, whatever situation you are in I am sure there are multiple people who feel just the same as you do, you aren't alone.

Don't give up...

Dear Readers...

Don't be annoyed at yourself when things don't quite go to plan, remember you tried and be proud of yourself for doing just that.

Bad things will and do happen, and things do get better I promise. It is completely OK to accept the fact that you are feeling anxious, sad or down about something, be open about what that is and give whatever it is the time it needs.

When you feel like giving up, don't, you are stronger than you think.

Give yourself more credit, concentrate on how far you have come already.

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Understanding Anxiety - Physical Symptoms...

It is definitely true that the more set backs you have with anxiety or any mental illness, sooner rather than later you become able to recognise when the feelings are happening. Understanding what those feelings are is a massive step in the right direction. I am in no way claiming that what I am saying is 100% accurate and the same for everyone who has anxiety or I am trying to say everyone who suffers from these symptoms they definitely have anxiety. I am just using my experience and knowledge I have gained myself to try and help other people understand. If you think you are suffering from Anxiety or any other kind of mental illness I would still recommend that you speak to someone else and arrange to see a Dr or other professional.

Although Anxiety is under the mental illness umbrella a lot of the symptoms are physical and more importantly everyone and anyone has the capability of feeling anxious at any time in their life. Anxiety is largely developed from unhelpful thinking styles and as a result worry may become disproportionate to the actual situations. There can be many reasons that people suffer with anxiety but in some cases such as mine my anxiety is 'free floating' and naturally in my body so therefore it can be triggered more easily than other peoples and doesn't necessarily have to be due to a stressful situation, in fact I find that serious situations and things which are 'normal' to worry about I am actually fine with . Everyone's body has the ability to react to extreme situations and the flight or fight adrenaline response kicks in which is actually very useful. Initially for someone suffering from anxiety these feelings can be very daunting because when they take place they are usually aren't in a frightening situation. Being able to recognise and understand the symptoms which can occur during periods of high anxiety allows you to realise that, that is what it is and not something abnormal. This has helped me tremendously and the more times I have felt them I have managed to notice them sooner and calm myself down. It has taken me two years to get to the point where I am able to understand my anxiety and not completely freak out every time I have the same feelings, this is disappointing in contemporary society and I really want to help people realise that what they are feeling is completely normal.  I read somewhere that a helpful way to view anxiety is that it is a defense mechanism and is in no way trying to purposely harm your body.

Physical symptoms of anxiety

Racing heart or palpitations
This is one very common symptom of anxiety and equally scary if you don't know why you suddenly feel like your heart is racing. Your heart beats faster because your body realises adrenaline and therefore blood is pumped around the body quicker to prepare your body in the fight or flight response this makes perfect sense when you read it like this but when it happens from the tiniest trigger it feels much worse.

Body Temperature
Your body temperature usually rapidly changes when you are feeling anxious. Initially you will feel very hot and probably start sweating as a way of cooling down (very glamorous I know) Once you reach the peak of the anxiety attack you may start to feel shivery and shaky this is a result of your muscles contracting because you will naturally tense up during this time and also your body will start to cool down after a short while.

Fuzzy head/headaches
As a result of all the adrenaline pumping around the body and your heart beating faster, it is likely that you will feel faint or dizzy. This again is a perfectly normally response to feeling anxious.

Tummy trouble
During a period of feeling anxious your body is concentrating on your heart and getting the blood to the right places as a result your digestive system temporary shuts down. This can lead to feelings of butterflies, sickness, churning, poor appetite and going to the toilet frequently. Having these kind of symptoms aren't very nice but once you understand the reasons why you are suffering from them it makes it just that little bit easier to deal with. You may also notice that tummy problems stay around even after you aren't feeling particularly anxious.

Tiredness
My doctor said to me that every time you have an episode of anxiety or a panic attack your body produces enough adrenaline to be able to run a marathon, no wonder you feel tired afterwards. Being tired can therefore have an impact on your thought patterns and a result become more negative which will have a knock on effect on your anxiety.

Rapid breathing
As the blood in your body is been directed to all the vital organs this may increase your breathing. Over a period of time in your body being used to taking short sharp breaths it may lead to hyperventilation. This again is pretty scary at the time and more than likely will make you freak out even more. Once you begin to understand the reason behind you feeling this way the easier it is to manage and eventually calm down. I went through a bad spell with thinking I couldn't breathe and as a result thinking it was something to do with my heart at the time I was at my fittest and could comfortably run just over 6 miles, this made me realise that if it was something more serious wrong with me I definitely wouldn't have been able to do that.

Derealisation
I have had this symptom numerous times during when I have felt anxious or had a panic attack and it can be quite difficult to explain to people who have never experienced it. Basically, derealisation is the feeling as though what you are experiencing is a dream and it doesn't feel real. Having anxiety you are constantly aware of how you and your body feels and therefore, sometimes you aren't really paying attention to your surroundings and whats going on around you, this can make you feel like you aren't yourself at times.

I want to do a couple more posts surrounding Anxiety and helping people understand it a little bit better, so next time I will cover the unhelpful thought patterns which can be created as a result of having Anxiety. Remember anyone can experience Anxiety whether you are actually suffering for a short or long period of time.

Chunk Days...

I am just writing this blog post whilst in sunny Bournemouth, it has been really nice to get away from everyday things and have a complete change of scenery. This post is more of a short but sweet one compared with my usual ramblings.

Anyway, here is some more valuable advice from my Auntie I wanted to share with you all because I have found it really helpful myself. I am sure many people with anxiety or the tendency to over think and worry will be aware of getting that overwhelming feeling when a big/important day is coming up or maybe you are going to have to do something which you are afraid of. 

It is pretty easy to get yourself into a huge ball of anxiety and panic before that day has even arrived and so when it does actually happen you feel horrendous and it just reinforces the fact that you are scared of that thing in particular. I can feel quite anxious if I have a day where lots of things are going to be happen and I am going to be really busy. I tend to see the day as one big mix of all the things together and as a result begin feel under pressure to feel OK for the whole day. Busy days can be stressful even for those who don't worry very much. 

Basically, if you have one of those kind of days coming up you should try to break the whole day into small manageable chunks and therefore each little thing doesn't seem so overwhelming. Each time you achieve or complete one of the chunks you already feel better about the day and realise it isn't going to be as bad as you thought it was going to be.  

It may even be helpful to make a list of the different chunks of your day and tick them off as you have done them, this also helps to see how far you've come and that you were perfectly fine whilst doing so, which in turn gives you more and more confidence when you have another big day coming up. 

I have used this method in a number of different situations and it really does help!

A Thought for Thursday #11...

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How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie...

In my opinion there aren’t that many resources regarding anxiety which I have found genuinely useful. In fact I can probably count on one hand the amount of books and websites etc which I have thought were genuinely helpful and made a difference to how I have felt.

To say we are currently living in the 21^st century with the power of the internet, the help and support readily available for personal everyday use is disproportionate the amount of people who are statistically suffering from mental illness. Disappointingly, I have found that the majority of books which I have been recommended are quite dated to say that mental health has been and still is an ongoing problem for many people.

However, a friend recommended a book to me back in April which is written by Dale Carnegie called ‘How to stop worrying and start living’. It was published in 1984 but I have found it to be one of the most accurate and relatable books for someone who worries a lot.

The majority of the ‘recovery’ process with mental illness is based around self –help methods and it is very beneficial to find someone or something you can relate to and use every day to help yourself feel better.

Although Dale Carnegie's book was written quite a while ago I feel like the different rules and methods he gives you to try and overcome severe worrying can be equally used today as much as back then. So I am going to write about some of the steps which he discusses and relate them to myself and how they can be perhaps used in contemporary society.

I will probably split them into different posts as there is quite a lot of useful advice given. The book is separated into different sections to help you manage your worrying in a more positive way. It helps you to accept that you may need help but shows you that it is possible to feel better by adopting different thought patterns to your everyday life.

Dale Carnegie stresses how important it is for you to have the upmost desire to want to change yourself in order for this book to be successful. Although other people can give you as much support, guidance and advice that you need at the end of the day you have to want to help yourself. I found that fully accepting the issue you are suffering from is vital in moving forward.   

The first section of the book which I will discuss in this blog post will demonstrate how understanding worry by analysing what you are actually worrying about can prevent it from taking control of your whole life.

Live in day tight compartments

Firstly Carnegie writes about how living in day tight compartments can be extremely helpful for those who suffer from severe worrying. Obviously this is easier said than done for many people and understandably everyone has different circumstances and lifestyles. For someone who worries to the extent I do, it is easy to get into the bad habit of living your life based on what has already happened and what could potentially happen in the future. For me my anxiety is largely centred by the question ‘what if?’ the majority of the time and it isn’t a very healthy way to live your life. Because anxiety and other mental illnesses are not tangible you can begin to spend your life wondering when you feel like it again and hoping that you never will.  I have used this method many times before and will continue to do so as it is very helpful in allowing you to take small steps in feeling better instead of wondering how you are going to feel a few days or few weeks down the line. I have being making a conscious effort to not predict or assume how I will feel when I wake up in the morning and just try and take the day as it comes.

What is the worst that could happen?

I think this is a great question to ask yourself when you suffer with worrying/anxiety. Constant worrying can make it extremely difficult to put things into perspective and consequently lead you to have all kinds of irrational thoughts. The power of your brain and your own anxious thoughts can really convince you that everything you worry about is actually true. By asking yourself what is the worst that could happen? And then accepting the worst mentally it makes it easier for you to start allowing yourself to forget about the illogical thoughts and put your problem into perspective.  Again this is something I have been trying to say to myself whenever I start to feel a bit anxious and so far it has actually helped me see the bigger picture in comparison to what I am worrying about.

Get the facts

This can seem like such a simple thing to do for people who have a consistently rational mind. I thought I would include this one of Carnegie’s rules within my blog post as it is very similar to a method I was taught during the therapy sessions. Firstly ask yourself; what is the use in worrying about something which you can’t prove is 100% truthful? I have said previously how useful it is to actually write down and make note of your worries, it makes it so much easier to change your perspective. I was given some worksheets which teach you to write down what you are worrying about, the facts which provide evidence that your thoughts are 100% accurate, any methods /techniques you used to solve the problem and finally how you felt once you had analysed your problem in this way. Using this method on a regular basis helps you to deal with your problem in a more logical way instead of it taking over your brain.

Keep busy!

Over-thinking is a massive aspect of anxiety and worrying. Constantly going over and over the problem in your head is one of the main causes for making my anxiety worse. It is important to keep busy to keep your mind occupied on something other than what you are worrying about. For me I get paranoid about having long periods of time with nothing to do because I feel like it gives me more chance to think and more time to feel anxious. You should use any spare time you do have in a productive way instead of immediately seeing it as a negative.  Put your energy and time into something you enjoy and that makes you feel happy. Go for a walk or a run (which is even better when the weather is as nice as it has been), read a book, catch up  with friends, write your own blog, even if you don’t share it publically it allows you to channel your thoughts into something positive instead of clogging up your head with negativity.  

Don’t sweat the small stuff!

I know from experience that when something does happen in my life which is actually worth worrying about, I am actually more in control of my worrying than when I am constantly worrying about lots of little everyday things. Carnegie discusses how we all manage to survive the big things in life but allow ourselves to get upset about all the little things. For this I will just leave you with a quote in Dale Carnegie’s book which we could all do with listening to, ‘Let’s not let ourselves get upset by small things which we should forget. Remember ‘Life is too short to be little’.

Living by the law of averages and co-operating with the inevitable.

Here are two points discussed in Carnegie’s book which I think work well together. In my experience of having anxiety the majority, (if not all) of the things which I worry about never actually happen in reality. Reading this chapter made me realise that I can’t go through life worrying and wondering about things which in the grand scheme of things are not likely to happen anyway. Using this approach over the past few days has made it slightly easier for me to just get on with things instead of thinking about what might happen.

Alongside this, it is important to be aware that things do and will happen which are beyond your control. Some things are going to happen whether you try and stop them or not. Anxiety is quite a lot about trying to be in control of situations at all times and having constant fear that you are not in control. Once you realise that there are some things which are completely out of your control it does help you to see things differently.  There is a prayer at the end of this particular chapter which I have turned into a quote for myself and the purpose of this blog which I think is perfect for someone suffering from anxiety to keep reminding themselves of every day.

‘Accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change the things you can, and have the wisdom to know the difference’.

Is it worth this amount of worrying?

Finally take a moment to think about whether whatever you are worrying about at this moment in time is actually worth the amount of worrying you are allowing it to have. Again this is another great approach to take to help you put things to perspective. It is perfectly normal to have worries and everyone will worry about something at some point in their lives.

A good thing to do is get the thing you are worrying about, apply all these different methods, perhaps say to yourself I will allow myself to have x amount of time to think about this problem and then once that time is up you will forget about it for the rest of the day. This provides you with the opportunity to give the thought as much time as its worth and hopefully as a result the smaller problems will require the smallest amount of time. 

I strongly recommend that if you do suffer from worrying or anxiety etc to buy this book! I got it from Amazon for 99p! 

You are stronger than you think...

Day Number 2 of Mental Health Awareness week.

I'm definitely not saying it is easy, taking the first step is the hardest but also the greatest thing you can do. 

Self-Help

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago when I wrote about Panic Attacks I said that I would share some of the ways and techniques which I use to help myself with my anxiety.

I am in no position to tell people what to do and I am not saying these things will definitely work for everyone but they are just small things which I have picked up from different people, books and from the internet which I feel have helped me.

Firstly I don’t take any prescribed medication for my anxiety as my doctor didn't think this was the correct approach for me personally. These are just a few small things which I do for myself personally which I can do whenever I feel I need to.

Reading

I have read numerous amounts of books and internet articles and I have been given different bits of information booklets by the lady who I saw at the end of last year. I do find it easier for me personally to have a hard copy of anything which I have read and I feel it has helped me, just so then I can refer back to it whenever I need to.  One book I have was recommended to me by a lady my mum works with, (I mentioned it in a previous post and completely forgot to tell you the name of it etc ) , so it is called ‘Self-Help for your nerves’ By Dr Claire Weekes, I was a bit skeptical at the time, because it was when I was in the ‘nothing will help me’ mind set. However I sat down to read it and it was as though someone was writing about me and exactly how I felt. It helped me to start seeing things in perspective, with it being written down and by a complete stranger made me feel like it was something real. My mum also read the book and it helped her understand a bit more too. 

I liked it so much I bought the newer addition ‘Essential Help for your nerves’ By Dr Claire Weekes. These books aren’t just for people who have being diagnosed with anxiety disorder or any type of mental illness. They are helpful for anyone and can help with so many different things, from stress to someone who just has a nervous personality. So whenever I feel a bit down or ‘wobbly’ I like to read different chapters in the books which I found helpful and I have also written down some of the most important quotes and phrases to help me remember.

Breathing/ Yoga

One thing I learnt from the therapist lady I saw, was about all about breathing and teaching yourself to breathe correctly.  Through having panic attacks I got used to breathing too fast and trying to take in more oxygen than my body actually needed. One of the first things she told me to do was listen to some podcast's which are available on iTunes which teach you to be aware of how you breathe and how to do it properly. I found these podcasts very helpful and still listen to them occasionally.

Since then I have started going to a Yoga class and have been every week for about 10 weeks now. I am going to write another post about Yoga in more detail at some point so I won’t go into too much detail now. As part of the class we do breathing exercises/meditation and again we have been taught how to be aware of how you are breathing and how breathing correctly can keep you calm or calm you down.  Now, whenever I notice myself feeling slightly anxious I remember the breathing techniques I have learnt and it is a quick remedy to help me feel calmer. I sometimes use calm.com which is a great website to use to do your own meditation. 

Exercise 

In addition to doing yoga, physical exercise is something I use which helps me to fight off any anxious thoughts and feelings. If you are a worrier you waste a lot of energy in a negative way which the majority of the time is unnecessary. It is good to use this energy doing something worthwhile which will make you feel much better in the long run. Exercise can vary from a walk with the dog to a full on circuit training class, its entirely up to you. 

Take note 

I have briefly mentioned before about the therapist lady I used to see getting me in the habit of writing down and making notes whenever I felt anxious or had a panic attack. I don’t feel the need to do this as often anymore but it really did help me in getting out of the downward spiral I felt like I was in at the time. I had some work sheets which she gave me where you write down the reason, situation or thing which had made you anxious, write how it made you feel and then what the worst thing which could happen could possibly be. This allowed me to see things in black and white and it became easier for me to put things into perspective. This is a great technique to use to help you become more in control of your problem and for it not to take hold of you. 

Personal Space

I am the sort of person who likes their own space and I sometimes need to just get away and be on my own once in a while. Although being all on your own can sometimes make you feel worse and that was the case for me when my anxiety was very bad. But now I know the reasons for me feeling rubbish sometimes, I do find it very helpful to have time to myself. Everyone deserves a bit a break from things from time to time and should have some time to yourself even if its just half an hour or so.

 I like to read, so reading a magazine or book is always good, but I am not doing very well with reading books recently. However I do read other peoples blogs a lot obviously. I watch YouTube videos as something to do for ‘me time’ and keep up to date with the people whose channels I watch regularly.  

Doing anything girly like painting my nails or putting on a face mask I find can always be quite therapeutic. Those sort of little things are especially helpful if you have had an anxious or stressful day or you just want time to relax. 

Blogging
Writing this blog has been a massive help for me and given me the opportunity to share a lot of things which I have kept to myself for a very long time. I have already had positive feedback from a range of completely different people and it is so great to hear that I am actually helping people whilst helping myself!!

I saw this picture on Tumblr, I really like it and think it is relevant to everyone and fits in perfectly with this blog post! 

It is time to talk…

After reading numerous blogs, (Zoella, Briar Rose & Being Little) recently surrounding similar kinds of issues and hearing about the amazing work of the charity, Timeto Change and their hope to get everyone talking openly about mental health through their recent campaign Time to Talk, I suddenly found the inspiration to write something about it myself. As well as it being an issue which has affected me personally and others who are very close to me, I wanted to try and start my own conversation about mental health, and I feel if everyone does start talking about it more openly, it is already a step in the right direction.

About a year and a half ago when I started to feel strange, I didn’t even know what was wrong myself, never mind anyone else being able to guess. It was difficult to explain how I actually did feel I just knew it wasn’t right. I then read a blog post and watched a YouTube video about a girl a similar age to me had made who suffered from anxiety and panic attacks and was sharing her own personal experience about it. I  realised that sounded exactly like I felt myself. I have always been a worrier and every single person who knows me could tell you that themselves in some shape or form. So I knew I worried a lot, but sometimes I would even sit and think, why do I feel so anxious about things which aren’t a big deal and seem so small to other people when I say them out loud? 

 Shortly after an incident which took place in my old job in 2012, I started to have extreme bouts of anxiety and felt awful. After watching the video on YouTube I mentioned earlier, and reading up about panic attacks, I decided to pay a visit to the doctors. I described how I felt and he said that it sounded like I was having panic attacks and he gave me some further information and advice about anxiety and panic attacks and ways to try and keep calm  etc. After a couple of months trying to explain how I felt to other people, family and my boyfriend it actually made me feel a tiny bit better to speak to someone who actually knew what I was talking about and didn’t make me feel like I was going stir crazy. It is extremely difficult when the people you are closest to can’t seem to understand how you feel and you slowly start to feel like giving up.

It was shocking how quickly I started to become truly scared of doing normal everyday things like catching trains, going to University, going to Meadowhall, going to the cinema, going out for tea, basically everything, because I was genuinely petrified of having a panic attack. I am very close to my mum and sister and I felt guilty that they had to see someone they care about acting like a completely different person.

On top of this suddenly increased anxiety I was suffering from a phobia of sick which I have had for as long as I can remember. This lead to me not wanting to drink alcohol, being afraid to be around drunk people. I avoided going to night clubs as they were completely not my thing because I would be terrified if I saw someone being sick. So I was stuck in a vicious circle, my bad panic attacks and anxiety made my phobia 100 times worse because anxiety makes you feel sick and sick made me feel anxious. Very few people actually know about this phobia. It is extremely difficult for me even to write this down never mind say it out loud. Due to how I have felt sometimes, I have probably come across as being an unsociable 'weird' person. I had tried my best to forget about it so many times and tell myself it wasn’t so bad but because of the pure fear I felt it started to become easier just to not bother going out at all. Around the time where everyone starts going to town and going to university the one thing on my mind was what will I do, because I don’t drink. In fact it was the first thing I mentioned to one of my flat mates the first time I met them in University halls, ‘Hi I am Katie, I don’t drink’.

After a while, it got to the point of me saying ‘no’ every time I was asked to go out which resulted into me no longer being invited to things. This really upset me, and I began to really, really hate myself, it seemed like I didn’t want to spend time with people and I felt like they wouldn’t want to spend time with me, who would want the burden of me having a panic attack whilst being out anywhere.

People don’t seem to realise that every single time someone has a panic attack it makes another dent in their self-esteem. Unless you have experienced anxiety or panic attacks yourself it is very difficult not to judge people and not think those people are weird who do (I am even guilty of doing this myself).

One thing which I personally found difficult is that people really don’t understand and because sometimes you can come across as just being ‘normal’ (whatever normal is) a lot of the time, that when you do have a panic attack, or feel anxious, you are making it up. Some of my family and boyfriend especially would say ‘how can you be fine one minute and not the next ’, but think about how confusing and frustrating it is for the person suffering from them, one minute they do feel fine and the next they are completely terrified of the tiniest little thing.

Anyway, after suffering on and off for about a year, I started to think it was something I just had to live with and this is how I would feel for the rest of my life. I was taking every method of calming tablet from boots I had every ‘calming’ essential oil to sprinkle on my pillow at night.

Then I had my worst spell of anxiety in October 2013 when I felt like I was no longer in control of myself, my thoughts were just all over the place, I honestly thought I was actually going insane. After hearing and reading about mental illness being something you have to live with and it being a part of you forever, I just felt hopeless. I thought there is no way I can ever stop feeling this bad. I went back to the doctors and told him again and he said he thought I would benefit from seeing a therapist. Straight away I was thinking negatively, ‘I am insane, I need therapy, only crazy people have therapy, omg I don’t want to tell anyone, I am officially a freak of nature’

 I felt very cynical about the whole ‘therapy’ thing, I felt that bad ,I didn’t see how anyone could possibly fix the problem, it wasn’t anything physical which people could see so how could she get inside my brain and stop me feeling the way I did. Going to the first session I was extremely nervous, I had to tell a stranger things about myself which barely anyone in my family or anyone else knew about. It soon became clear that she knew exactly how I felt and straight away she made me feel very comfortable. I wanted to be reassured more than anything that I wasn’t crazy and kept asking her if I was ‘normal’ and I just remember her saying ‘what even is normal anyway, who decides what the definition of normal actually is’. I immediately felt better than I did two weeks before and I had actually had faith that this lady who I didn’t even know, could help me. 

Apart from all the different techniques she gave me to use to help deal with my anxiety and panic attacks, one thing I have taken away from it was her empathetic attitude to the whole thing. She said that there are a lot more people with mental illnesses than everyone thinks and people you know personally could be suffering every single day.

It made me think that if this is the case than why aren’t people aloud to speak about it openly, why people are thought to be strange and weird if they suffer from a mental illness. If someone has a broken leg, everyone can see that it is broken because they have a pot on it to help it get better, and people help the person with the broken leg by offering to do things which they can’t do whilst their leg is broken. So what is so wrong with someone’s brain being a little broken from time to time and it needing fixing?

Why should I and any other person who has suffered or are suffering, from any sort of mental illness not be able to talk about it openly?  I feel more needs to be done to raise the awareness of mental illness and more people should be encouraged to understand about it for a time when they or others may need help.

I am by no means completely cured; it is something which I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Admittedly, the hardest thing to do was to try and explain myself to my family and friends. My auntie was the first person who gave me the encouragement to start telling people and reassured me I wasn’t the only one who felt this way.  Talking openly about it has now allowed me to get the help I need, and knowing that there will always be someone there is helpful in itself.

So, anyone who does suffer, you need to remember you are not alone, 1 in 4 people have from some kind of mental illness each year, it does honestly get better I promise, and if nothing helps but this, there is no such thing as normal.

Please feel free to email me about anything I have mentioned in this blog post or if you ever need someone to talk to - kvbrooksbank.18@gmail.com

And in time, this too shall pass...

Now after being ‘diagnosed’ with some kind of mental health issue, be it anxiety, panic attacks, depression or perhaps you are just a negative or shy person once there has been a label given to you it can suddenly feel like people expect you to wake up and it have disappeared overnight. It isn’t something you can cure, but there are ways which you can help yourself feel better.

You start to get into a routine in which your mind has controlled which makes doing anything outside of your comfort zone seem terrifying. So many times I have stuck to doing things and being in situations which don’t scare me. In the past as soon as I have taken a foot outside my comfort zone I have felt anxious. This has led to me being scared of doing and going to simple everyday things. If you are reading this and suffer from any of those issues mentioned above you will understand that just the thought of doing those things genuinely scares you. You wish you could and want more than anything to be able to say yes to an invitation or just simply go to that place which terrifies you.

I have spent the last few years in the same mind set. But it recently got progressively worse to the point of me refusing to go to see James Bond at the cinema with my boyfriend and instead him having to take my little sister because I was too ‘scared to go. At the time it felt like the only option was to run away from it all and say no instead of facing the situation. It is easy for people to say ‘lifes too short’ or ‘don’t worry, you’ll be fine’ but once your brain has gone down that path it seems like there is no way out.

Getting to how I feel now hasn’t been easy. It has taken quite a long time for me to change my thought patterns and it is very difficult to force your brain to think differently after it has believed certain things for the length of time that it has.

Only recently, after getting some help and being in more control of my anxiety I have been thinking I never want to have the feeling of regretting not doing something or never enjoying every day things because I was too scared to do them. The lady who I saw for the therapy sessions taught me how to put things into perspective. Using this technique every day has already made a massive difference to my life. If I start to feel a little bit anxious about something or a situation I remember her saying to me put it into perspective. Now instead of avoiding a situation to prevent myself from feeling anxious or having a panic attack, I try and tell myself it will be OK if I do feel anxious or panicky but nothing too serious will happen. It feels better to be able to say you tried to do something which made you feel anxious instead of wondering what might have happened if you hadn’t gone or done it in the first place.

Another very important thing is to start taking control of your problem rather than it be in control of you. It is more than likely that it is something which you have to live with and therefore accepting that fact is a massive step. For a while after being told that I had some kind of anxiety disorder I found it hard to accept that some days I felt fine and only the next day I felt completely awful. I decided to start calling my bad days ‘wobble’ days because then I know that’s all they are and I know I can feel better again. You should never ever be discouraged by a ‘wobble day’ and they are only as severe as you let them be. I have read a very good book which I would recommend to absolutely everyone. One thing I use to encourage myself on a ‘wobble day’ is that there is no such thing as no point of return. Once you understand where those awful feelings have come from you can  move forward.   For people to say ‘There is always tomorrow’ it can make you angry when you have suffered from anxiety for a long time. When you are in that specific mind frame you think you will feel awful forever never mind tomorrow. My auntie has always said this to me and it is a very helpful thing to say to yourself to see things in a more positive way. Remember that if you have a bit of a ‘wobble’ you can use tomorrow as a fresh start and no matter what happens you always have that opportunity to forget about yesterday.

Anxiety and panic attacks are really really horrible but it is important to never look back on the times when you have felt at your worst and never compare yourself other people. You must try and use your new ways of thinking to your best advantage. Why should you miss out on all the little things in life which you haven’t been noticing because you feel afraid.

For me it wasn’t about completely changing as a person and all of a sudden becoming some kind of adrenaline junky. It was important for me just to enjoy the everyday situations which I hadn’t felt comfortable in for a while. Going on public transport without feeling anxious has been a massive step for me because I had started to actually feel scared of catching trains. Going to the cinema and out for tea without feeling anxious was another thing which I felt very proud of myself for doing last month. Now, they may seem like insignificant things to other people but they were things that I was afraid of. 

So, no matter how big or small your fears are once you start to face them you feel so much more confident and feel happier in yourself. Once you feel like you can do those little things without your anxiety creeping up on you it gives you a boost to do more things, perhaps things which you wouldn’t have even dreamt about doing before. One night last month was the first time in a verrrry long time that I went to an actual pub surrounded by drunk people and even had a couple of drinks myself without feeling an ounce of anxiety and afterwards I felt so happy with myself that I could actually do it.

You should take this part of your anxiety or any other kind of issue at your own pace and take each step as quickly or as slowly as you feel comfortable with. This time it isn’t about people telling you what to do it is about you being in control of your own personal situation. You only have one life, but it is yours so don’t let anyone or anything take over the control which you have. 

Monthly Goals - March

Get fit 

I really want to get fit and healthy again. I am hoping to run a 10KM race in June and would love to be able to complete it in under and an hour. I have started back at circuit training again, I have actually missed the sweating and the aching, I feel so much better for doing it. 

Drink more water

This will be a continuous goal for me as I don't drink nowhere near enough water. I am really crappy with drinking anything except tea and always wait until I am thirsty which is very very bad. 

Stay Positive 

Being a natural born worrier this can sometimes be a struggle for me. I have got better at thinking more positively recently. I need to keep it up and not let my pessimistic mind take over. I am going to take time to not 'sweat the small stuff' and when I notice myself feeling anxious or worried take a step back and try and take a look at the bigger picture. After going to see my therapist lady, she got me into the habit of writing down or making notes every time something made me panic or feel anxious, this helps me see that the things I am worrying about probably aren't as big a deal as they seem in my mind, when I see them in black and white.

Eat Breakfast

Again, this is another thing I am really bad at. I rarely actually have a proper breakfast ever. I often don't feel hungry when I first wake up and can sometimes even skip it all together, or only drink a cup of tea. My boyfriend eats breakfast everyday and after spending a few days with him and him making sure I ate something made me realise how much better you feel if start the day with something. Even at first if you don't really feel like you could eat anything. It gives you more energy, you don't get the sickly gripey feeling which encourages you to grab something quick and sugary and it keeps you feeling full till at least 12 o'clockish. 

Keep up with this blog

I have read other people's blogs for quite a while now and always wanted to write one myself. But I thought I wasn't creative or cool enough to do it. I am so happy and grateful for the response I have had so far. The range of different people who have sent me messages or shared my blog posts have been amazing. I am so glad to be helping people and making a difference however small it may be. 

Accept myself for being me

This is something we can all be guilty of and people often don't see the amazing things in themselves which other people do. I am going to try and start accepting myself with my flaws and all. I have always been my own worst enemy and give myself a hard time when something goes wrong. I am particularly bad when I have wobble with my anxiety, and see myself as a failure. Accepting that anxiety is a part of me has been a big chunk of moving forward for me. Everyone has bad days and deals with them in different ways. From now on I am going to try and accept my wobbles and I know that have and can feel better again.

My sis pointed this picture out to me the other day from my Auntie and Uncles wedding last year. (Nearly a whole year ago actually)  It reminds me of how perfect the day was and how excited we all were to be bridesmaids. I feel lucky to be so close to my cousins and sister, we have had times when we haven't seen as much of each other but nothing ever changes when we do. Not many people make me laugh like these three do.

Panic Attacks

Unless you have ever experienced a panic attack yourself, it can be hard to understand exactly what they feel like. Anxiety is a normal feeling which everyone will have experienced at some point throughout their lives. The extent and causes of the anxiety can affect people in many different ways. Some people have a low threshold of anxiety and manage to stay calm by keeping things in perspective regardless of the situation and others, (like me) don’t.

Not only is it important to provide advice and information for people who feel the same way as me or those who perhaps think that they are experiencing panic attacks and anxiety but aren't quite sure, but also to provide a better understanding for people who know someone who suffers and don’t really know anything about it or what they can to do to help. 

Panic attacks can happen to anyone whether you are aware that you have anxiety or not.

Since I have being suffering I have realised how very little people do actually know what a panic attack truly is and it does make it extremely difficult to explain to people exactly how you do feel. No matter how close people are to you or how many hours you have taken just trying to explain how you feel they will never fully understand.

Although people experience a variety of symptoms and different intensities of these symptoms, there is still a generic explanation for what a panic attack is. I am going to do my best to briefly describe what panic attacks are, reflecting on how they feel through my own personal experience.

Basically, when you begin to have a panic attack you will usually get a sudden extreme feeling of dread and panic. I usually feel very claustrophobic and as though I need to get out of the space I am in at the time. It can feel like everything is closing in on you and you feel as though you are trapped. During this moment your body realises that something isn't quite right and that you are panicking and therefore begins to release a shed load of adrenalin. Our bodies, being the amazing machines they are, are programmed to release adrenalin when it feels it is at risk or in danger.

Many of you may have heard of the ‘fight or flight response’. Like I mentioned earlier, if your brain believes that your body is in danger it naturally releases adrenalin. This is in preparation for you to make the decision of staying strong and ‘fighting’ or running away from a situation.

As soon as the adrenalin is released it causes your heart to beat much faster than usual and people start to worry that there is actually something wrong with their heart. When my anxiety was very bad I went to the doctors because I thought that I had something wrong with my breathing. If you have anxiety and panic attacks you try to breathe in more oxygen than your body needs which causes your chest muscles to feel tight and it can be painful. If someone is breathing more heavily or quickly than normal it can be a sign they are having a panic attack. 

During a panic attack the combined overload of adrenalin, heavy breathing and rapid heartbeat can make feel very weak and lethargic, after your panic attack you will usually feel exhausted. All your senses become heightened, with me in particular it is as though everything becomes louder than normal and I am aware of every little sound around me, this makes me want to get out of the situation even more. Other symptoms I have had include, shivering, sweating, feeling sick, needing the toilet, feeling dizzy, ringing in your ears, having extreme emotions.

One symptom of a panic attack I have found particularly scary is the feeling of depersonalisation, this is when it is as though the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing aren't reality and you are looking down onto somebody else. It is an extreme feeling of not being in control of the situation which in itself can make you panic.

Panic attacks can come on very quickly and can last for a specific amount of time. I find that once I have had a panic attack I can feel anxious for the rest of that day.

People can have a panic attack once and then never have another again in their life. They can be caused by high levels of stress/anxiety or traumas in your life.  The problem with having an anxiety disorder or being an anxious person in general is that it is likely that the experience of having a panic attack will become stored in your memory. Therefore whenever you are in similar situations which previously triggered your panic attack your body learns to respond in the same way as before. You begin to feel afraid of how you felt whilst having a panic attack that you avoid any situations which reminds you of having them. 

There isn't much advice available for people about how to help someone who is having a panic attack or suffers from them regularly. This makes it harder to understand how that person is feeling and to know what to do in those situations. My initial advice is to be patient at all times, I know it can be frustrating because you feel helpless but getting irritated or freaking out at the same time as someone is panicking themselves will not help one bit. Stay positive and reassure them that everything will be OK, tell them what they are experiencing are just thoughts and feeling about a situation and it will not last forever. People who do suffer panic attacks and anxiety feel angry and disappointed with themselves after they have panicked  because they feel like they didn't manage to remain calm and in control of the situation. Therefore it is very important that you do not show any annoyance when they fail to do something which may seem like a simple task to other people.   

I have discussed in my first blog post some of the situations which  triggered my panic attacks. However, I don’t feel comfortable discussing all the ins and outs to every panic attack I have ever had on my blog.  So, I hope it has been helpful to provide a brief overview of panic attacks and what they can be like.

I have written another post which I will be sharing soon about how I have moved forward and will be writing another post about the different techniques and methods I use, which have helped me control my anxiety.