Beauty is subjective...

So, I have recently been getting quite fed up with the world and the pressure to look a certain way.

I have started to notice that there are specific tick boxes that you need to be able to 'tick' to be classed as 'beautiful'.  

I am guilty of scrolling through social media and comparing myself to lots of different woman and body shapes that are supposedly what you SHOULD look like. 

I am 25 now and still find myself feeling down and immediately going to the mirror and thinking 'you definitely 100% need to lose some weight'. 

I am just glad that I am not ten years younger and as easily influenced. There is so much pressure on young girls today. They are constantly been told what beautiful is and that to be beautiful they must look a certain way. 

Now I have definitely put weight on since I was a teenager and gone up a couple of dress sizes even over the last couple of years. Recently I have been having a battle with myself and thinking I really need to get back down to the size I was before. 

I look at pictures and I am even comparing myself to myself. I look back at when I was my smallest and question whether thats I should look now. After all social media says so right? 

I might of actually been really slim back then and felt like I could wear anything I wanted. I was good enough to be classed as 'beautiful' by social media. But I know deep down at the time I wasn't happy at all. I had the worst anxiety I had ever had. I wasn't eating properly and that is the reason I was the size I was. I didn't even notice what size I was because my mind wasn't focused on by body, it was trapped by constant panic attacks and feeling so sick I couldn't eat. 

So if I really think about it when I am comparing myself to the 'old' version of me. Do I really want to be how I looked then? I might have a bit more junk in my trunk, but now I love food and don't feel like I am forcing myself to eat. My anxiety is manageable and doesn't control my life right now. 

I believe that your mental health is so important and if you are perfectly happy in your own skin then don't feel like you have to change to be classed as beautiful by the rest of society. I have read somewhere recently that happiness isn't a size and we spend so much time believing that it is. I am trying to embrace how I look now because I know I am so much happier. I am also reading Fearne Cotton's book 'Happy' at the moment and she talks a lot about there not being a clean cut definition of beautiful. She says that beauty is subjective, so one persons view on what an ideal body shape is, is totally different to another persons.  

Please remember, you are beautiful, no matter what shape you are. Stop comparing yourself to Instagram. 

Long time no write...

So, I don't really have anything in particular that I want to write about. I have just recently realised how much I miss writing.

Life is so busy, we often forget to do the things we actually love to do. I always think there is no point in writing if I nothing really interesting to say, or just for the sake of it. But I logged onto my blog page and I people are still reading my blog when I haven't even posted for months.

Someone also asked if I was still blogging because I hadn't posted anything for ages and they assumed I was feeling better because of this. I do feel better than I did when I first started writing this blog, but anxiety and worry is something I still deal with on a daily basis. But I suddenly realised it was seemed a little bit selfish of me to have only been writing during the time I was feeling my worst when every day is a struggle for some people. Plus you don't even have to have any specific reason to need a pick me up or a touch of motivation.

To see that people are still reading and using my blog as a way of helping themselves made me feel so happy. I guess I'm just trying to say I am still here, I still appreciate and feel overwhelmed that people even read my ramblings. And to remind everyone as well as myself, to never stop doing something you love because life gets in the way. Do what makes you happy :)

Happy New Year...

To be honest, I have felt a bit weird about writing on my blog for the past couple of months. I think in some ways it's because I am in a different place in comparison to when I began writing my blog both mentally and quite literally. Before I used it as a place to vent my feelings at the time when they weren't at their best.

 Therefore once I felt a bit better and felt like I didn't need to write about those things anymore I started having a negative association with my blog and sort of pushed it to one side. 

However, recently I have realised how much I do miss writing and people have even mentioned that it has been a while since they saw a new post. It made me think that although I started this blog at a time when I was struggling the positive outcomes outway the negatives massively. 

Not only have I have used it to help myself which really has worked wonders, the response from other people has been overwhelming. My passion is to help others and thats what I have done, I really couldn't be happier. 

Writing this blog has made think, feel and see things differently, I now even see myself differently. I have started to believe in myself more and finally accept me for being just me, which I think that everyone in the world should have the opportunity to believe.

I feel even more strongly about the importance of understanding that everyone is different and accepting individuality! 

I also discovered how good things can actually develop from the bad things and it so important to keep going and never give up. Realise that things do happen for a reason and there is a reason that things might take time to work out how you were hoping or first expected. 

I am not writing this to tell you all that everything is amazing in my life and there aren't times when I do still struggle, but isn't that just part of being human?

 I will continue to do my best at helping others through my blog etc. I promise that having just a tiny bit of belief in yourself, can be the start of something better.

I went to the cinema to see the film about Stephen Hawking's life , 'The Theory of Everything ' a couple of days ago.
The film was incredible by the way and you should definitely go and see it!! 
There was a quote in it from the man himself which pretty much sums up how I feel right now. 

 'We are all different, there is no such thing as a standard or run-of-the-mill human being, but we share the same human spirit. What is important is that we have the ability to create. This creativity can take many forms, from physical achievement to theoretical physics. However difficult life may seem there is always something you can do, and succeed at' (Stephen Hawking,2012) 

For the first time in ages I feel excited about the fresh new year we have ahead of us. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to forget about the times I have struggled in the past and use them to move forward and help others!

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Tuesday Pep Talk... #2

We are always told to treat other people how we want to be treated ourselves but yet we are often our own worst enemies.

It is all well and good being kind to other people (& please don't stop doing that) but what about being kind to ourselves?

Whenever you have a tough day with whatever it may be, you should make an effort to be kind to yourself instead of punishing yourself.

At the end of the day instead of feeling angry or annoyed about something that has happened or how you have been feeling you should do something you enjoy and/or treat yourself!

Have a bath, read, watch a film, do yoga, drink a hot drink, watch crap TV, have that takeaway you can't stop thinking about! Do whatever makes you happy! :)

Tuesday Pep Talk...

I am sure many of you can agree that we are all in need of a pep talk once in a while. I know myself suffering with anxiety I feel better once I have spoken about how I am feeling or what I am worrying about with someone else, whether it's just to put my mind at rest or to give more a more rational answer to a problem.

Being in a reflective mood I have been thinking about how things have changed since starting with bad anxiety and how they are now. The answer is, that lots of things have changed massively and that is a combination of things such as, getting older, leaving Uni, moving house etc.

I still feel annoyed and sometimes disappointed  with myself when I have one of those random anxious days, which luckily I can recognise much more easily and do something about it sooner. I have to remind myself that its fine to have those kind of days and we wouldn't be human without them. Its completely normal to have some anxiety when there are big changes happening in your life.

Think about those days when you have felt completely overwhelmed with anxiety and worry but it still didn't stop you from doing what you wanted to do, they are the reason you are where you are now. Anxiety does not define you it is just a part of you, it doesn't mean that you don't have aspirations and passions. You are still you, you still have your own personality and you are just as able as everyone else to enjoy your life!

I find pushing yourself to do something which you thought you would never be able to do helps so much. Doing something (no matter how small) which you previously thought would cause you to freak out and realising that you can do it just fine can fill you with confidence and make you so happy! Even if you do have a little wobble whilst you are doing it coming out the other side and realising you can do it, and it wasn't so bad after all is so worthwhile.

Remember you are not the only person feeling like this, whatever situation you are in I am sure there are multiple people who feel just the same as you do, you aren't alone.

Rant...

So, I am a strong believer in being yourself and absolutely despise peer pressure. I don't know if this is just because I was born a 60 year old or I have just been there, done that and in some cases unfortunately worn in the t-shirt.

It has always kind of got to me how there are certain expectations to be a particular way in my generation and if you don't fit into this category you are immediately an outcast.

Who came up with the rules on how you should be/look/act at different times of your life? Apparently individuality is respected but then how come you are made to feel inadequate just because you aren't a clone of everybody else.

I don't understand why you should feel unhappy because you don't feel comfortable in certain situations or doing certain things. You wouldn't tell someone to do something to purposely make them feel unhappy so why is there so much pressure on people.

Be yourself, do what makes you happy, if people don't like you for being yourself then they aren't worth knowing! :)

...and breathe!

Understanding Anxiety - Unhelpful Thinking Styles...

Like I mentioned in my previous post Anxiety has been said to be a product of unhelpful thinking styles, which in most cases people see them as being unchangeable. Note, these ways of thinking are not labeled as 'Bad' but unhelpful, these thinking patterns are usually exaggerated due to the individual suffering from them not having the belief or strength that they can actually change them.

These thinking styles are unhelpful because of the impact that have on your thoughts and feelings about certain  things and how you respond as a result. Even if the root cause of your anxiety is not down to this, having unhelpful thoughts will intensify your anxious feelings and alter the way you act or behave.

Negative
Anxiety revolves around dwelling on what has happened in the past and worrying about what could happen in the future. Thinking in this way encourages negativity because we tend to only focus on the difficulties and bad times we experience. Having negative thoughts only increases anxiety but you have the ability to change how you think about a situation. Overall having anxiety isn't a very nice experience but try not to make it even worse by thinking negatively about it. It is common for anxiety sufferers to use one negative experience of something as a warning that something negative will happen every time you are going to do the same thing again.

Paranoid
Someone who usually worries a lot is likely to take things which other people say or do to heart or personally and will be quick to make assumptions about what people think of them.

Catastrophic
Catastrophising is the irrational thought that everything is much worse than it actually is. This is extremely common with someone who suffers from anxiety. Like I have mentioned many times a huge part of anxiety is spent predicting what might go wrong in the future and it is likely that whatever you have in mind will be the worst case scenario.

Black and white thinking
This kind of thinking is believing that something is all or nothing. This can lead to people with anxiety to put a large amount of pressure of themselves to be/do something in a certain way. As a result people usually become extremely self critical when little things go wrong or they don't quite feel right.

Like I said our thoughts can have a massive impact on feelings of anxiety, stress or just our moods in general.
Many of these thoughts take place without any control so therefore it is important to recognise them as just being 'thoughts' and the majority of the time are not based on facts.
Once you can identify the various unhelpful thought patterns which you can have you can begin to challenge them when they occur. The more you have the same unhelpful thoughts the more you start to understand why you are having them. If you can categorize your thoughts within the different thought patterns it becomes easier to manage them. If you get into the practice of writing down when you have one of those unhelpful thoughts seeing it written down also helps to put things into perspective. Seeing it written down on paper also allows you to create a contradictory thought which will help to prove how unrealistic your thoughts actually are.

Recognising when you are having the unhelpful thoughts and confronting them will have an impact on how you are feeling.

Goals or No Goals...

When I first started writing my blog I decided it was a good idea to give myself a set of monthly goals. I soon began to realise this actually wasn't all that good for someone like me. The kind of goals I am talking about are the ones you give yourself on top of things where you are likely to already have set goals like Work, School and University for example.

If I have something to do, I have to do it and get frustrated if it doesn't get completed like I wanted it to. I started using the goals to dictate what I was doing for the month and felt really disappointed when I happened to miss a circuit training class or didn't manage to drink enough water one particular day. I just gave myself added 'pressure' for no reason at all and instead of it being beneficial it resulted in me feeling annoyed at myself for not being able to do this little things which I had created myself.

I realised that all the goals were just little things which I actually enjoyed doing or should really be doing anyway (drinking plenty of water). Making something you enjoy doing into a specific goal for you to reach just makes you not want to do it because your telling yourself that you have to. Reading is something which I love to do, I love to get into a really good book and use it as a way of relaxing but by putting it on a list of monthly goals I just got fed up with myself for not managing to finish a book because 'life' got in the way.

We can't predict what will happen from one week to the next and therefore why give yourself added pressure of personally making 'goals' which may or may not be achieved. I decided to look at it differently and suggest other people who struggle with setting yourself certain goals to try and do this also. Instead of making a list of things you have to do be aware of the things which you hope or want to do and if you manage to do them then you will feel pleased with yourself for choosing to do it without feeling forced into it.

I've noticed in a number of different things that as humans we don't really like being told that we should be doing something and feel much better when we have made the decision ourselves. Even if you want to make a list of things which you hope to achieve in a specific space of time don't call them goals, don't set them as a task just let them happen when they happen. If you manage to fit in three days a week of exercise then great, if you don't then who cares!

Hey It's OK...

Inspired by Glamour Magazine & cos we all need a little reassurance from time to time.

To not do any exercise all week but still have that piece of cake

To not even feel slightly guilty about the above.

To wear the same pair of trousers three times in one week just because you can't be bothered to choose another outfit.

To go to bed before 10'o'clock.

To tell people you love to read but haven't picked up a proper book in months.

To actually want to smile and say Hello to strangers.

To have days when you are actually OK.

To equally have days where you aren't, we are human after all.

To have good intentions in the morning and tell yourself you will productive, just after you've watched another episode of Friends.

To actually enjoy eating salad and choose to eat it.

A thought for Thursday #15...

My Sociology teacher used to have this quote on the wall in his classroom when I was at school and since then it has always been one of my favorites. I am strong believer in equal opportunities, everyone should express themselves through what they are good at, everyone is good at different things and that should always be viewed in a positive way. 

How boring would life be if everyone was the same, doing the same things. 

Long Distance Relationships...

Fast approaching is the time when people leave school and start moving away to University. If you are currently in a relationship you may find yourself being asked the dreaded question of ‘so are you going to stay together?’

I remember very clearly being asked on a number of occasions so what are you going to do? In response to my boyfriend moving to the other end of the country. In all honesty I hadn’t really thought about us not staying together until people started questioning me. This made me start wondering whether it was the norm to just split up before you even started a long distance relationship and if it actually was the be all and end all.

I found that there is a hell of a lot of negativity surrounding long distance relationships with the majority of people putting a huge downer on the situation by saying ‘oh it won’t work out’. How can people actually have an opinion on your personal relationship and know whether it will work out or not. Relationships break down when your partner lives round the corner so I don’t think you should base your decision whether to stay with someone on the distance between you. Basically all I am trying to say is don’t listen to anyone else, make your own decisions and remember only you and your partner know how you really feel about the situation.

After being in a long distance relationship for nearly four years here are just a few things I’ve learnt and decided I would share them with you, especially for anyone who a LDR or maybe going to be in one sometime soon.  I am not saying these are golden rules for surviving a long distance relationship at the end of the day you have to make your own decisions and everyone’s relationship is different.  

Utilise the internet and social media. Long gone are the days of people sat waiting for a letter to arrive from their partner who lives miles away. Although, it is still hard when you don’t live near your boyfriend/girlfriend (unless you want to pretend you’re in The Notebook ) you definitely can’t complain that it hasn’t been made a tad easier to stay in touch with someone thanks to the range of modern technology. This is going to be your main source of communication for the time you spend about so use it! When you don’t see or speak to each other every single day the times when you do, you have much more to talk about and the conversation is better.  Sometimes it is easier to plan a time when you can ring or Skype and it is something you can look forward to at the end of the day.

Be honest with each other and talk about any problems you might have. Don’t keep your problems to yourself as it much more likely to end up in an argument which is 10 times more difficult when you aren’t face to face with that person.

Arrange to do things for the time when you are together again it is something for you to look forward to as well as this fact you are going be seeing each other. One of the good things however is that you don’t have to spend loads of money trying to do something fancy because you start to appreciate the little things like just getting a takeaway and watching film together because you don’t do it that often.

Assumingly if you are in a long distance relationship your partner is living in a different city /area of the country or perhaps even in different country all together, but you can see it as going on a mini holiday every time you visit them. Although my boyfriend did decide to move to the other end of the country, it is by the seaside and it is a really nice place to go and visit, plus the weather is usually nicer down there.

I know I harped on earlier about the amazingness of social media etc but there is also something kind of special about receiving a card or letter in the post when it’s from someone you haven’t seen for ages. So maybe you could surprise each other with little packages or letters which might not be as meaningful if you lived close by.

Anyway enough of the lovey dovey stuff, the main thing is you and your partner make any decisions about your relationship yourselves, because quite frankly it’s no one else’s business. 

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How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie...

In my opinion there aren’t that many resources regarding anxiety which I have found genuinely useful. In fact I can probably count on one hand the amount of books and websites etc which I have thought were genuinely helpful and made a difference to how I have felt.

To say we are currently living in the 21^st century with the power of the internet, the help and support readily available for personal everyday use is disproportionate the amount of people who are statistically suffering from mental illness. Disappointingly, I have found that the majority of books which I have been recommended are quite dated to say that mental health has been and still is an ongoing problem for many people.

However, a friend recommended a book to me back in April which is written by Dale Carnegie called ‘How to stop worrying and start living’. It was published in 1984 but I have found it to be one of the most accurate and relatable books for someone who worries a lot.

The majority of the ‘recovery’ process with mental illness is based around self –help methods and it is very beneficial to find someone or something you can relate to and use every day to help yourself feel better.

Although Dale Carnegie's book was written quite a while ago I feel like the different rules and methods he gives you to try and overcome severe worrying can be equally used today as much as back then. So I am going to write about some of the steps which he discusses and relate them to myself and how they can be perhaps used in contemporary society.

I will probably split them into different posts as there is quite a lot of useful advice given. The book is separated into different sections to help you manage your worrying in a more positive way. It helps you to accept that you may need help but shows you that it is possible to feel better by adopting different thought patterns to your everyday life.

Dale Carnegie stresses how important it is for you to have the upmost desire to want to change yourself in order for this book to be successful. Although other people can give you as much support, guidance and advice that you need at the end of the day you have to want to help yourself. I found that fully accepting the issue you are suffering from is vital in moving forward.   

The first section of the book which I will discuss in this blog post will demonstrate how understanding worry by analysing what you are actually worrying about can prevent it from taking control of your whole life.

Live in day tight compartments

Firstly Carnegie writes about how living in day tight compartments can be extremely helpful for those who suffer from severe worrying. Obviously this is easier said than done for many people and understandably everyone has different circumstances and lifestyles. For someone who worries to the extent I do, it is easy to get into the bad habit of living your life based on what has already happened and what could potentially happen in the future. For me my anxiety is largely centred by the question ‘what if?’ the majority of the time and it isn’t a very healthy way to live your life. Because anxiety and other mental illnesses are not tangible you can begin to spend your life wondering when you feel like it again and hoping that you never will.  I have used this method many times before and will continue to do so as it is very helpful in allowing you to take small steps in feeling better instead of wondering how you are going to feel a few days or few weeks down the line. I have being making a conscious effort to not predict or assume how I will feel when I wake up in the morning and just try and take the day as it comes.

What is the worst that could happen?

I think this is a great question to ask yourself when you suffer with worrying/anxiety. Constant worrying can make it extremely difficult to put things into perspective and consequently lead you to have all kinds of irrational thoughts. The power of your brain and your own anxious thoughts can really convince you that everything you worry about is actually true. By asking yourself what is the worst that could happen? And then accepting the worst mentally it makes it easier for you to start allowing yourself to forget about the illogical thoughts and put your problem into perspective.  Again this is something I have been trying to say to myself whenever I start to feel a bit anxious and so far it has actually helped me see the bigger picture in comparison to what I am worrying about.

Get the facts

This can seem like such a simple thing to do for people who have a consistently rational mind. I thought I would include this one of Carnegie’s rules within my blog post as it is very similar to a method I was taught during the therapy sessions. Firstly ask yourself; what is the use in worrying about something which you can’t prove is 100% truthful? I have said previously how useful it is to actually write down and make note of your worries, it makes it so much easier to change your perspective. I was given some worksheets which teach you to write down what you are worrying about, the facts which provide evidence that your thoughts are 100% accurate, any methods /techniques you used to solve the problem and finally how you felt once you had analysed your problem in this way. Using this method on a regular basis helps you to deal with your problem in a more logical way instead of it taking over your brain.

Keep busy!

Over-thinking is a massive aspect of anxiety and worrying. Constantly going over and over the problem in your head is one of the main causes for making my anxiety worse. It is important to keep busy to keep your mind occupied on something other than what you are worrying about. For me I get paranoid about having long periods of time with nothing to do because I feel like it gives me more chance to think and more time to feel anxious. You should use any spare time you do have in a productive way instead of immediately seeing it as a negative.  Put your energy and time into something you enjoy and that makes you feel happy. Go for a walk or a run (which is even better when the weather is as nice as it has been), read a book, catch up  with friends, write your own blog, even if you don’t share it publically it allows you to channel your thoughts into something positive instead of clogging up your head with negativity.  

Don’t sweat the small stuff!

I know from experience that when something does happen in my life which is actually worth worrying about, I am actually more in control of my worrying than when I am constantly worrying about lots of little everyday things. Carnegie discusses how we all manage to survive the big things in life but allow ourselves to get upset about all the little things. For this I will just leave you with a quote in Dale Carnegie’s book which we could all do with listening to, ‘Let’s not let ourselves get upset by small things which we should forget. Remember ‘Life is too short to be little’.

Living by the law of averages and co-operating with the inevitable.

Here are two points discussed in Carnegie’s book which I think work well together. In my experience of having anxiety the majority, (if not all) of the things which I worry about never actually happen in reality. Reading this chapter made me realise that I can’t go through life worrying and wondering about things which in the grand scheme of things are not likely to happen anyway. Using this approach over the past few days has made it slightly easier for me to just get on with things instead of thinking about what might happen.

Alongside this, it is important to be aware that things do and will happen which are beyond your control. Some things are going to happen whether you try and stop them or not. Anxiety is quite a lot about trying to be in control of situations at all times and having constant fear that you are not in control. Once you realise that there are some things which are completely out of your control it does help you to see things differently.  There is a prayer at the end of this particular chapter which I have turned into a quote for myself and the purpose of this blog which I think is perfect for someone suffering from anxiety to keep reminding themselves of every day.

‘Accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change the things you can, and have the wisdom to know the difference’.

Is it worth this amount of worrying?

Finally take a moment to think about whether whatever you are worrying about at this moment in time is actually worth the amount of worrying you are allowing it to have. Again this is another great approach to take to help you put things to perspective. It is perfectly normal to have worries and everyone will worry about something at some point in their lives.

A good thing to do is get the thing you are worrying about, apply all these different methods, perhaps say to yourself I will allow myself to have x amount of time to think about this problem and then once that time is up you will forget about it for the rest of the day. This provides you with the opportunity to give the thought as much time as its worth and hopefully as a result the smaller problems will require the smallest amount of time. 

I strongly recommend that if you do suffer from worrying or anxiety etc to buy this book! I got it from Amazon for 99p! 

Silence is louder than words...

I am in another one of my ranty moods and this is a topic which I have pondered about for quite a while now.

In my opinion being quiet doesn’t always mean you are a shy person. People who are thought to be quiet always have to provide an explanation for being the way they are because being slightly introverted is regarded as negative. I don’t consider myself to be a particularly shy person but numerous people have labelled me as being quiet.

It is another one of those judgements where people assume that quiet people lack the ability to be socially adequate. Maybe these people appear to quiet because they don’t get an opportunity to get a word in edge ways when they are surrounded by ‘loud’ people. Basically you don’t need to be a person shy to be classed as an introvert it just means you are quite happy being in your own company which to me isn’t always a bad thing.

I get the impression that we are all lead to believe that those who are loud and who are always the centre of attention are doing the right thing.  People use the fact that an individual who is quiet as having a poor personality. For example I have genuinely heard people say that someone is a nice person apart the fact that they are a quiet but never about someone who is more outgoing.

Being loud is always viewed in a positive way, being loud means you are confident and sociable and this must mean you have lots of friends.Just because you are quiet and perhaps prefer to keep your thoughts to yourself this doesn't mean you are inadequate compared with other people. We are falsely led to believe that introverted people cannot possibly make a difference and influence ideas and change.

I wrote this post a few weeks ago but haven’t actually got round to finishing it or like usual thinking it wasn’t good enough to share. There is an article in this month’s Company magazines which fits in perfectly with this blog post. It discusses how the internet provides ‘quiet’ people with the platform to finally speak their mind which they may not have been able to do so before.

This is exactly how I feel and I am sure many other bloggers do also. It has given me the opportunity to talk openly about an issue is which very important and close to my heart which I perhaps wouldn’t of got the chance to do. Because I am ‘quiet’, without the internet I wouldn’t have been able to share my thoughts to thousands of other people and help people like I have done already.

Having the ability to express yourself through different ways allows you to accept being you instead of hiding away and doubting your own beliefs. Just like Company magazine says ‘quiet’/introverted people still have just as many amazing personality traits and skills as ‘loud’/extroverted people, so instead of taking a back seat behind those who don’t stop talking, why not get your voice heard but in your own individual way!

Generation Judgmental...

You have probably gathered by now that I am not a massive drinker of alcohol. It has almost definitely stemmed from my anxiety etc. (If you would like to know the reason read Even though I am better than I before I still don’t really enjoy it or ever feel the need to drink.

For some people not drinking alcohol is just a personal lifestyle choice, sometimes it is for a medical reason and on the other hand it may due to someone’s religion. Whatever the reason may be for someone choosing not to drink alcohol, be it all the time or just on one occasion is it also made into a massive deal.

I don’t personally have an issue with other people choosing to drink so why should it bother them so much if I don’t want to. I will have a couple of drinks occasionally but I have never had or get the feeling where I need to have an alcoholic drink.

I have found that people who don’t drink are made to feel like they aren’t as good as people who do. Apparently choosing not to drink means you can’t possibly have any fun in any kind of situation. People always assume that you aren’t having a good time or enjoying yourself if you aren’t drinking, and I have had the best nights and laughed the hardest when I have been stone cold sober. I can dance like an idiot after a pint of lemonade but the reaction towards me from people who need ten Jager bombs to just do a little shimmying just bizarre. Why does it bother them so much? If alcohol is so amazing then why are you wasting your night wondering if I am having a good time or not?

I have always thought it as being an embarrassing thing for people to find out and have always dreaded having to tell people. Going to university during this generation as a non-drinker, seems to be the craziest thing to you can do. The whole University experience is portrayed as being one giant p*ss up and to say I was dreading it was an understatement. I have mentioned before that my opening line to one of my flat mates was to tell them that I didn’t drink alcohol. He just looked at me with a mixture of pity and shock as if to say ‘then what are you doing at Uni then?’

I absolutely hate everything to do with night clubs and clubbing and it just isn’t my cup of tea at all. During University this seemed like the only acceptable way to socialise with your friends and to have a good time. I had to continuously say no to nights out because I knew I just wouldn't feel comfortable. The actual thought of being forced into playing drinking games made me want to never leave my bedroom. Then being in a smelly dark room with peoples sweaty arm pits in my face and the worlds sh*ttiest music being played was my worst nightmare. I know everyone will think I sound like a complete old fart but if you think about it for someone who doesn't drink what is there to enjoy about it. At least in a nice bar or pub you can actually sit and talk to the people you are out with. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love going to gigs and listening to live music and proper bands playing actual decent music. But there isn't even that little thing to enjoy in a night club.

I have one example in particular which I think shows the type of stigma that is automatically attached to people who choose not to drink. Once I was in a pub once with some girls whilst I was at Uni, we were watching a live band and I only had a drink of coke and still managed to have a great night. Half way through the night one of the girls said ‘Katie, you are actually quite funny!’ (This was the first time she had seen me out in town) so I just replied with ‘I am not acting any different to normal’. But it just proves that people just assume that you’re a complete loser with no sense of humour or personality if you don’t drink or night clubs aren’t your favourite pastime.

Just because you don’t like certain things which society portrays as being the ‘norm’ it doesn't mean you are a social recluse with no friends. No one judges people for choosing to drink so why judge someone who chooses not to.  You can still have a good time just in a different way to how some people might choose to do so.

There is such a huge amount of peer pressure to act a certain way or to do a certain thing within our generation but why should anyone do anything which they don’t feel comfortable doing. I say, do whatever you want to do, its not anyone else's business anyway! 

Self-Help

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago when I wrote about Panic Attacks I said that I would share some of the ways and techniques which I use to help myself with my anxiety.

I am in no position to tell people what to do and I am not saying these things will definitely work for everyone but they are just small things which I have picked up from different people, books and from the internet which I feel have helped me.

Firstly I don’t take any prescribed medication for my anxiety as my doctor didn't think this was the correct approach for me personally. These are just a few small things which I do for myself personally which I can do whenever I feel I need to.

Reading

I have read numerous amounts of books and internet articles and I have been given different bits of information booklets by the lady who I saw at the end of last year. I do find it easier for me personally to have a hard copy of anything which I have read and I feel it has helped me, just so then I can refer back to it whenever I need to.  One book I have was recommended to me by a lady my mum works with, (I mentioned it in a previous post and completely forgot to tell you the name of it etc ) , so it is called ‘Self-Help for your nerves’ By Dr Claire Weekes, I was a bit skeptical at the time, because it was when I was in the ‘nothing will help me’ mind set. However I sat down to read it and it was as though someone was writing about me and exactly how I felt. It helped me to start seeing things in perspective, with it being written down and by a complete stranger made me feel like it was something real. My mum also read the book and it helped her understand a bit more too. 

I liked it so much I bought the newer addition ‘Essential Help for your nerves’ By Dr Claire Weekes. These books aren’t just for people who have being diagnosed with anxiety disorder or any type of mental illness. They are helpful for anyone and can help with so many different things, from stress to someone who just has a nervous personality. So whenever I feel a bit down or ‘wobbly’ I like to read different chapters in the books which I found helpful and I have also written down some of the most important quotes and phrases to help me remember.

Breathing/ Yoga

One thing I learnt from the therapist lady I saw, was about all about breathing and teaching yourself to breathe correctly.  Through having panic attacks I got used to breathing too fast and trying to take in more oxygen than my body actually needed. One of the first things she told me to do was listen to some podcast's which are available on iTunes which teach you to be aware of how you breathe and how to do it properly. I found these podcasts very helpful and still listen to them occasionally.

Since then I have started going to a Yoga class and have been every week for about 10 weeks now. I am going to write another post about Yoga in more detail at some point so I won’t go into too much detail now. As part of the class we do breathing exercises/meditation and again we have been taught how to be aware of how you are breathing and how breathing correctly can keep you calm or calm you down.  Now, whenever I notice myself feeling slightly anxious I remember the breathing techniques I have learnt and it is a quick remedy to help me feel calmer. I sometimes use calm.com which is a great website to use to do your own meditation. 

Exercise 

In addition to doing yoga, physical exercise is something I use which helps me to fight off any anxious thoughts and feelings. If you are a worrier you waste a lot of energy in a negative way which the majority of the time is unnecessary. It is good to use this energy doing something worthwhile which will make you feel much better in the long run. Exercise can vary from a walk with the dog to a full on circuit training class, its entirely up to you. 

Take note 

I have briefly mentioned before about the therapist lady I used to see getting me in the habit of writing down and making notes whenever I felt anxious or had a panic attack. I don’t feel the need to do this as often anymore but it really did help me in getting out of the downward spiral I felt like I was in at the time. I had some work sheets which she gave me where you write down the reason, situation or thing which had made you anxious, write how it made you feel and then what the worst thing which could happen could possibly be. This allowed me to see things in black and white and it became easier for me to put things into perspective. This is a great technique to use to help you become more in control of your problem and for it not to take hold of you. 

Personal Space

I am the sort of person who likes their own space and I sometimes need to just get away and be on my own once in a while. Although being all on your own can sometimes make you feel worse and that was the case for me when my anxiety was very bad. But now I know the reasons for me feeling rubbish sometimes, I do find it very helpful to have time to myself. Everyone deserves a bit a break from things from time to time and should have some time to yourself even if its just half an hour or so.

 I like to read, so reading a magazine or book is always good, but I am not doing very well with reading books recently. However I do read other peoples blogs a lot obviously. I watch YouTube videos as something to do for ‘me time’ and keep up to date with the people whose channels I watch regularly.  

Doing anything girly like painting my nails or putting on a face mask I find can always be quite therapeutic. Those sort of little things are especially helpful if you have had an anxious or stressful day or you just want time to relax. 

Blogging
Writing this blog has been a massive help for me and given me the opportunity to share a lot of things which I have kept to myself for a very long time. I have already had positive feedback from a range of completely different people and it is so great to hear that I am actually helping people whilst helping myself!!

I saw this picture on Tumblr, I really like it and think it is relevant to everyone and fits in perfectly with this blog post! 

It is time to talk…

After reading numerous blogs, (Zoella, Briar Rose & Being Little) recently surrounding similar kinds of issues and hearing about the amazing work of the charity, Timeto Change and their hope to get everyone talking openly about mental health through their recent campaign Time to Talk, I suddenly found the inspiration to write something about it myself. As well as it being an issue which has affected me personally and others who are very close to me, I wanted to try and start my own conversation about mental health, and I feel if everyone does start talking about it more openly, it is already a step in the right direction.

About a year and a half ago when I started to feel strange, I didn’t even know what was wrong myself, never mind anyone else being able to guess. It was difficult to explain how I actually did feel I just knew it wasn’t right. I then read a blog post and watched a YouTube video about a girl a similar age to me had made who suffered from anxiety and panic attacks and was sharing her own personal experience about it. I  realised that sounded exactly like I felt myself. I have always been a worrier and every single person who knows me could tell you that themselves in some shape or form. So I knew I worried a lot, but sometimes I would even sit and think, why do I feel so anxious about things which aren’t a big deal and seem so small to other people when I say them out loud? 

 Shortly after an incident which took place in my old job in 2012, I started to have extreme bouts of anxiety and felt awful. After watching the video on YouTube I mentioned earlier, and reading up about panic attacks, I decided to pay a visit to the doctors. I described how I felt and he said that it sounded like I was having panic attacks and he gave me some further information and advice about anxiety and panic attacks and ways to try and keep calm  etc. After a couple of months trying to explain how I felt to other people, family and my boyfriend it actually made me feel a tiny bit better to speak to someone who actually knew what I was talking about and didn’t make me feel like I was going stir crazy. It is extremely difficult when the people you are closest to can’t seem to understand how you feel and you slowly start to feel like giving up.

It was shocking how quickly I started to become truly scared of doing normal everyday things like catching trains, going to University, going to Meadowhall, going to the cinema, going out for tea, basically everything, because I was genuinely petrified of having a panic attack. I am very close to my mum and sister and I felt guilty that they had to see someone they care about acting like a completely different person.

On top of this suddenly increased anxiety I was suffering from a phobia of sick which I have had for as long as I can remember. This lead to me not wanting to drink alcohol, being afraid to be around drunk people. I avoided going to night clubs as they were completely not my thing because I would be terrified if I saw someone being sick. So I was stuck in a vicious circle, my bad panic attacks and anxiety made my phobia 100 times worse because anxiety makes you feel sick and sick made me feel anxious. Very few people actually know about this phobia. It is extremely difficult for me even to write this down never mind say it out loud. Due to how I have felt sometimes, I have probably come across as being an unsociable 'weird' person. I had tried my best to forget about it so many times and tell myself it wasn’t so bad but because of the pure fear I felt it started to become easier just to not bother going out at all. Around the time where everyone starts going to town and going to university the one thing on my mind was what will I do, because I don’t drink. In fact it was the first thing I mentioned to one of my flat mates the first time I met them in University halls, ‘Hi I am Katie, I don’t drink’.

After a while, it got to the point of me saying ‘no’ every time I was asked to go out which resulted into me no longer being invited to things. This really upset me, and I began to really, really hate myself, it seemed like I didn’t want to spend time with people and I felt like they wouldn’t want to spend time with me, who would want the burden of me having a panic attack whilst being out anywhere.

People don’t seem to realise that every single time someone has a panic attack it makes another dent in their self-esteem. Unless you have experienced anxiety or panic attacks yourself it is very difficult not to judge people and not think those people are weird who do (I am even guilty of doing this myself).

One thing which I personally found difficult is that people really don’t understand and because sometimes you can come across as just being ‘normal’ (whatever normal is) a lot of the time, that when you do have a panic attack, or feel anxious, you are making it up. Some of my family and boyfriend especially would say ‘how can you be fine one minute and not the next ’, but think about how confusing and frustrating it is for the person suffering from them, one minute they do feel fine and the next they are completely terrified of the tiniest little thing.

Anyway, after suffering on and off for about a year, I started to think it was something I just had to live with and this is how I would feel for the rest of my life. I was taking every method of calming tablet from boots I had every ‘calming’ essential oil to sprinkle on my pillow at night.

Then I had my worst spell of anxiety in October 2013 when I felt like I was no longer in control of myself, my thoughts were just all over the place, I honestly thought I was actually going insane. After hearing and reading about mental illness being something you have to live with and it being a part of you forever, I just felt hopeless. I thought there is no way I can ever stop feeling this bad. I went back to the doctors and told him again and he said he thought I would benefit from seeing a therapist. Straight away I was thinking negatively, ‘I am insane, I need therapy, only crazy people have therapy, omg I don’t want to tell anyone, I am officially a freak of nature’

 I felt very cynical about the whole ‘therapy’ thing, I felt that bad ,I didn’t see how anyone could possibly fix the problem, it wasn’t anything physical which people could see so how could she get inside my brain and stop me feeling the way I did. Going to the first session I was extremely nervous, I had to tell a stranger things about myself which barely anyone in my family or anyone else knew about. It soon became clear that she knew exactly how I felt and straight away she made me feel very comfortable. I wanted to be reassured more than anything that I wasn’t crazy and kept asking her if I was ‘normal’ and I just remember her saying ‘what even is normal anyway, who decides what the definition of normal actually is’. I immediately felt better than I did two weeks before and I had actually had faith that this lady who I didn’t even know, could help me. 

Apart from all the different techniques she gave me to use to help deal with my anxiety and panic attacks, one thing I have taken away from it was her empathetic attitude to the whole thing. She said that there are a lot more people with mental illnesses than everyone thinks and people you know personally could be suffering every single day.

It made me think that if this is the case than why aren’t people aloud to speak about it openly, why people are thought to be strange and weird if they suffer from a mental illness. If someone has a broken leg, everyone can see that it is broken because they have a pot on it to help it get better, and people help the person with the broken leg by offering to do things which they can’t do whilst their leg is broken. So what is so wrong with someone’s brain being a little broken from time to time and it needing fixing?

Why should I and any other person who has suffered or are suffering, from any sort of mental illness not be able to talk about it openly?  I feel more needs to be done to raise the awareness of mental illness and more people should be encouraged to understand about it for a time when they or others may need help.

I am by no means completely cured; it is something which I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Admittedly, the hardest thing to do was to try and explain myself to my family and friends. My auntie was the first person who gave me the encouragement to start telling people and reassured me I wasn’t the only one who felt this way.  Talking openly about it has now allowed me to get the help I need, and knowing that there will always be someone there is helpful in itself.

So, anyone who does suffer, you need to remember you are not alone, 1 in 4 people have from some kind of mental illness each year, it does honestly get better I promise, and if nothing helps but this, there is no such thing as normal.

Please feel free to email me about anything I have mentioned in this blog post or if you ever need someone to talk to - kvbrooksbank.18@gmail.com

And in time, this too shall pass...

Now after being ‘diagnosed’ with some kind of mental health issue, be it anxiety, panic attacks, depression or perhaps you are just a negative or shy person once there has been a label given to you it can suddenly feel like people expect you to wake up and it have disappeared overnight. It isn’t something you can cure, but there are ways which you can help yourself feel better.

You start to get into a routine in which your mind has controlled which makes doing anything outside of your comfort zone seem terrifying. So many times I have stuck to doing things and being in situations which don’t scare me. In the past as soon as I have taken a foot outside my comfort zone I have felt anxious. This has led to me being scared of doing and going to simple everyday things. If you are reading this and suffer from any of those issues mentioned above you will understand that just the thought of doing those things genuinely scares you. You wish you could and want more than anything to be able to say yes to an invitation or just simply go to that place which terrifies you.

I have spent the last few years in the same mind set. But it recently got progressively worse to the point of me refusing to go to see James Bond at the cinema with my boyfriend and instead him having to take my little sister because I was too ‘scared to go. At the time it felt like the only option was to run away from it all and say no instead of facing the situation. It is easy for people to say ‘lifes too short’ or ‘don’t worry, you’ll be fine’ but once your brain has gone down that path it seems like there is no way out.

Getting to how I feel now hasn’t been easy. It has taken quite a long time for me to change my thought patterns and it is very difficult to force your brain to think differently after it has believed certain things for the length of time that it has.

Only recently, after getting some help and being in more control of my anxiety I have been thinking I never want to have the feeling of regretting not doing something or never enjoying every day things because I was too scared to do them. The lady who I saw for the therapy sessions taught me how to put things into perspective. Using this technique every day has already made a massive difference to my life. If I start to feel a little bit anxious about something or a situation I remember her saying to me put it into perspective. Now instead of avoiding a situation to prevent myself from feeling anxious or having a panic attack, I try and tell myself it will be OK if I do feel anxious or panicky but nothing too serious will happen. It feels better to be able to say you tried to do something which made you feel anxious instead of wondering what might have happened if you hadn’t gone or done it in the first place.

Another very important thing is to start taking control of your problem rather than it be in control of you. It is more than likely that it is something which you have to live with and therefore accepting that fact is a massive step. For a while after being told that I had some kind of anxiety disorder I found it hard to accept that some days I felt fine and only the next day I felt completely awful. I decided to start calling my bad days ‘wobble’ days because then I know that’s all they are and I know I can feel better again. You should never ever be discouraged by a ‘wobble day’ and they are only as severe as you let them be. I have read a very good book which I would recommend to absolutely everyone. One thing I use to encourage myself on a ‘wobble day’ is that there is no such thing as no point of return. Once you understand where those awful feelings have come from you can  move forward.   For people to say ‘There is always tomorrow’ it can make you angry when you have suffered from anxiety for a long time. When you are in that specific mind frame you think you will feel awful forever never mind tomorrow. My auntie has always said this to me and it is a very helpful thing to say to yourself to see things in a more positive way. Remember that if you have a bit of a ‘wobble’ you can use tomorrow as a fresh start and no matter what happens you always have that opportunity to forget about yesterday.

Anxiety and panic attacks are really really horrible but it is important to never look back on the times when you have felt at your worst and never compare yourself other people. You must try and use your new ways of thinking to your best advantage. Why should you miss out on all the little things in life which you haven’t been noticing because you feel afraid.

For me it wasn’t about completely changing as a person and all of a sudden becoming some kind of adrenaline junky. It was important for me just to enjoy the everyday situations which I hadn’t felt comfortable in for a while. Going on public transport without feeling anxious has been a massive step for me because I had started to actually feel scared of catching trains. Going to the cinema and out for tea without feeling anxious was another thing which I felt very proud of myself for doing last month. Now, they may seem like insignificant things to other people but they were things that I was afraid of. 

So, no matter how big or small your fears are once you start to face them you feel so much more confident and feel happier in yourself. Once you feel like you can do those little things without your anxiety creeping up on you it gives you a boost to do more things, perhaps things which you wouldn’t have even dreamt about doing before. One night last month was the first time in a verrrry long time that I went to an actual pub surrounded by drunk people and even had a couple of drinks myself without feeling an ounce of anxiety and afterwards I felt so happy with myself that I could actually do it.

You should take this part of your anxiety or any other kind of issue at your own pace and take each step as quickly or as slowly as you feel comfortable with. This time it isn’t about people telling you what to do it is about you being in control of your own personal situation. You only have one life, but it is yours so don’t let anyone or anything take over the control which you have.